Dating / Relationship Question and Answer

22 August 2001

Follow-Up On “How To Never
Be At A Loss For Words”

Doc:
I hope you can help! I have two questions:

1) I have just read your previous article, “How Not to Be At a
Loss for Words”. However, when I’m with a woman, I just CANNOT think
of what to say. I wind up just saying “uh-huh” much of the time and
it just kills me. My friends say that I’m a nice, funny guy. But
around women, I just wind up being quiet.  Any suggestion is
appreciated.

2) As a result of the above, I have never had a long-term
relationship with a woman – nothing beyond a few dates or one-night
stands. The hardest part is what to say to a date when they ask
about past girlfriends. I certainly don’t want to say I’ve never had
one. I’m 42 and am by no means a bad looking guy. In fact, many say
I’m very good looking.  I hope you can give me an answer what
to say in this situation.  Obviously the whole situation puts
my confidence at close to zero.

Thanks!
Talk Soup

Hello Talk Soup!

There is nothing so easy, nor so difficult as conversation. It’s
easy when you understand WHY people communicate [insert suspenseful
music here], which I’ll get to in a minute. It’s difficult because
few of us ever learn this valuable key! Next to my book, “Being
a Man in a Woman’s World”, (plug, plug!) the best book I’ve ever
read is “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie.

The question should never be “Have you read this book?” The
question should be “How many times have you read this book?” It is
full of valuable insight and understanding into this critical skill:
learning to communicate. Let me cut to the chase. The key to
communicating with a woman (or anyone else for that matter) is this:
people are primarily interested in themselves. Go back and re-read
that sentence 3-4 times until it really sinks in. This goes for you
and me too! Everyone does the same thing: they spend 20% of their
time listening to you, and 80% thinking about their own experiences
related to what’s being said.

In fact, I’m not sure if women don’t spend 95% of their time on
themselves! Ok, knowing that key, here’s how you use it. Your
date is interested in what? She’s “…primarily interested in
herself.” Say that to yourself a few times. I call this “knowing
your customer”. The other key to all of this is “sell what your
customer is buying!” If she’s interested in herself, then sell her
that! When she talks about her work, focus on her work.

When she talks about her cat “Boots” focus on her love of cats!
When she talks about the rising price of latex, ask her about her
fetish wardrobe (well, not on the FIRST date!) Here’s a “dirty
little secret” about the women we date: if they’re under 45, they
likely haven’t read a newspaper or seen a news program in the past
year. So, you can’t talk about “current political events”. To them,
a current event is the release of a new shade of lipstick. And,
let’s face it; you probably aren’t  up to speed on this. So
don’t try. Instead, learn to get HER TO DO THE TALKING.

You’re going to be amazed at what a great conversationalist
YOU’LL become when she rolls on for hours!

How do you do this? By learning to ask “open ended” questions.
You read my article, so you know what these are. If not, go back and
read it again. In fact, why not pick up a copy of my book, and get
the whole picture? It will also answer your second
question. So, when she starts telling you about that
“luscious” shade of lavender that Eve Whoever just released,
you ask her, “So, why does lavender work with your skin tone?” When
she tells you that Boots scared off her last boyfriend by using his
leg as a scratching pole, ask her, “Where did you get your love of
animals?”

Practice this – you can get so good at it, you can keep her
talking all night long – right up to your
bedroom! Regarding your second question, here’s my
rule: never cop to ANYTHING about your love life. Period. Believe
me, it’ll come back to haunt you and no good will ever come of it!
So, here’s what I do. Now, understand, I’ve dated A LOT. I’ve had
many, many girlfriends and many more lovers. I’m not bragging here
(ok, maybe a little!) But my point is this: I sure as hell don’t
want to tell any girl about my love life, and frankly, they don’t
want to hear it either.

So, when they ask about your previous love life, do what I do.
Say, “Oh, there have been HUN-DREDS!” Then roll your eyes, smile,
and go back to the above rule – ask her about hers!  Say, “What
about YOU? How many have YOU had?” (Note: women almost NEVER tell
the truth here). And let her ramble on. After awhile this becomes a
game to see how long you can keep her going. More important, you’re
gathering valuable information all the while. Use this
information to determine if SHE’S good enough to be around
YOU! Once you master all of this, you’re going to find
that your confidence will grow as well. You’ll begin to learn that
YOU really can have power over the women you date! Believe me, this
isn’t just a confidence builder – it’s an aphrodisiac! Good luck, much love…