Dating / Relationship Question and Answer
27 Sept 2001
Don’t Mess with a Good Thing
Doc:
I recently broke up with my girlfriend of a year and a half due
mostly to boredom. Then, I missed her and decided to get back
together. Now, she says now that she doesn’t love me anymore. From
her attitude, it seems to be true; otherwise she is faking very
well! I don’t what to do! What can I do to get her back?
Hello!
First,
she probably ISN’T faking it. It isn’t difficult for people to fall
out of love. Honestly, once a person loves someone else, they will
always love that person. On the other hand, that doesn’t mean that
they LIKE the other person!
Can you win her back – yes,
you probably can. The real question is should you? Look back and try
to remember why you broke up with her in the first place. Try to
remember the emotions and feelings because once you get back with
her, they are going to come rushing back. You’ll be looking to break
up again and be right back in the same cycle. Believe me, boredom IS
a valid reason for breaking up regardless of how minor it may seem
after the fact. If your motivation to get back together is just
sexual, then call it that. If you’re looking to re-establish the
relationship, please consider what I’ve already
said.
Ok, so what can you do to rekindle the
relationship? First, you’re going to have to get past the hurt and
rejection she feels. If your breakup was recent (within the past 2
months or so), you might want to wait for a while longer so that the
memory of the hurt can fade. If it is longer than that, here’s what
you need to do. First, write a letter. Take some time and try to
pack the excitement and fun you remember of the beginning stages of
the relationship into it. Remind her of how well you two
“worked” together, and why you got together in the first place. You
should also address her hurt by telling her that you understand how
she feels and that you regret having put her through this, but that
your love and consideration are the foundations on which you want to
rebuild the relationship.
After you send her this
letter, give her a few days to “digest” it. Then, call her and ask
her to meet you for coffee, or something – the location and format
aren’t important, just avoid movies, concerts, loud bars, etc. – you
want to be able to talk intimately. Here, bring her something that
is special just to her. Don’t bring her flowers, unless it’s one of
her favorite flowers. Even better, try to remember something small
and inexpensive that she wanted. It will show that you’re thinking
of her and her needs. At this meeting, don’t try to get her
to
commit – you’re really just courting her again. Use this time to
really try to re-connect with her. She may be angry with you, but
that will subside as you begin the reconnection. Unless you’re
getting a ton of “buying signals”, don’t try to get her back to her
(or your) place. Kiss her and tell her you’d like to see her again.
Make the date right there if possible.
Your goal should
be to have her remember why you two were together in the first
place. A year and a half relationship tells me that you had
something. She may feel that now you’ve burned that bridge and
you’re going to have to rebuild it. Remember, this is going to be an
uphill battle. If you decide to pursue it you’d better be in for the
long-haul as it might take some time. As well, I suggest that you
pick up a copy of my book, ‘Being a Man in a Woman’s World’ as it
covers a great deal about relationships, and how to keep them
working.
