Dating / Relationship Question and Answer

3 Oct 2001

Learning to Be A Man

Doctor:

I’ve made a mistake and need help. You see, I’ve been with this
girl for three months and she is totally into me, but I’ve grown
tired of her. I have already cheated on her 3 times and I want to
find a new girlfriend.

I think I have found her. I have 3 candidates but I told the one
I like most that I broke up with the other girl already. Big
mistake! I haven’t actually broken up with her, but I will. Here is
a problem: My girlfriend and I have been invited to this very
special party that all my friends will attend and I really want to
got to. The problem is that it’s in 3 weeks! The worst thing is that
my girlfriend and the new chick know each other!

Should I wait until the party, break up and get with the new girl
or break up now and try to get a new girlfriend? If I get burned on
the first option I’ll be out with a lot of people. If I break up now
and it does not work out with the new girl then I will be alone.
What should I do?

I NEED HELP FAST. Thanks a million.

---

Hello!

There’s an old saying, “Don’t piss in your
own backyard”, meaning don’t create problems too close to home, or
they may come back to haunt you.
 
First, I’d be very
careful about “finding a new girlfriend”. It doesn’t seem that
you’re really in a place to have a committed relationship – that’s
not a critique by the way, just an observation. If you’ve read my
book or my articles, you know that I don’t particularly advocate
monogamous, committed relationships unless that’s exactly what you
want – and you’re really ready for them.
 
You might want
to consider your motivations here. Why do you want to be with just
this one girl? In the book, I talk about how you can’t “own” another
person – just like your present girlfriend doesn’t “own” you. If
this is your goal, I suggest you re-think it. You’ve been sleeping
with 3 other women; why not just enjoy that variety and the
freedom.
 
This gives you another advantage regarding the
party – if you’re not “committed” to someone and you’re just dating
around, you can bring anyone you want to the party. Oh, by the way,
you didn’t tell any of these girls that you were seeing them
exclusively did you? You don’t want to lie to them, but you don’t
have to show your hand either; as long as everyone is comfortable
with the situation and you’re being sure that everyone’s feelings
are being considered!
 
To answer your specific question,
if you’re ready to breakup with girlfriend #1, don’t wait – get it
over with. You don’t do her or yourself any good by hanging on. This
is one thing I keep promoting: if you’re going to have this kind of
lifestyle, but a man about it. Don’t cause undue or excess harm to
someone just to get your knob polished. Take responsibility for the
people you’re with – AND USE PROTECTION! There is absolutely NO
EXCUSE for unwanted children or disease.
 
One last
point; I’m concerned that your focus isn’t the best. You have a
girlfriend that you haven’t really thought about – she’s “totally
into you”, and you just concerned about how YOU’LL look at the
party. Dude, be a man – you have responsibilities to girlfriend #1
(and, to a lesser degree – #2, #3, and #4). Until you own up to them
and do the right things, you’re just a boy with a man’s penis. I
can’t emphasize enough the importance of taking responsibility for
your actions. This is when you become a

man.