It Takes Two

 

Question and Answer with relationship expert Dr Dennis

Dear Dr. Neder,

 

 

Hi,
I was browsing your website and noticed that
you answer email questions, so I was wondering if you could help me.
I am 18 years old and my

boyfriend is 20. We
have been together for 2 years. We have had our
arguments and tiffs, but always talked things through. He calls me everyday to
chat.

 

Last week, my boyfriend was having some problems with work. These
problems were quite serious as they threatened his future career. We
saw each other but he was happy, told me he loved me. He went to
work that night and once again found out more about the ‘threatening
situation’. We caught the train together again on the next day and
he would not talk to me and was in a world of deep thought. I asked
what was wrong, but he denied anything was. He later put his hand
around me and asked me what was wrong with me! I told him that he
was not himself. He got upset and said that I wasn’t being
responsive to him!. I got angry and stormed off.

 

He didn’t call me that night or for the next 3 nights and he
wouldn’t answer my SMS messages. I did see him on the weekend at
work, but all he told me was that he didn’t want to talk because I
upset him. I sent him a message and asked him “Where do I stand?”
but he didn’t respond. Then, I sent him another message and said
that I wanted to break-up, and it was only then that he wanted to
talk.

 

Could you please tell me whether or not my boyfriend wants to
break-up with me? Is he to afraid to tell me or is it more stress
and work related? He has exams, assignments and work to worry about
at this moment. I appreciate your help…

 

 

 

Hello!

I’m not sure why you felt it necessary to
turn a 4-day issue (out of 730 that you’ve been together – 2 years)
into a break-up! Do you really think that was reasonable? If you’re
answer is, “Well, he wouldn’t talk to me..” I’m sorry – that’s not
reason enough.

Consider this: society puts huge
pressures on men to be successful at their careers. Women WANT to be
successful too, but if they fail, there is no social stigma. To men,
our careers are our lives.

I bring this up because it
appears his problems are related to his work – or at least that’s
what you’ve implied. If this is so, do you think that it’s ok to add
all this additional drama of breaking up with him just because he
can’t find the energy to talk to you about it? It seems to me this
is the time you should be sticking by him – not threatening to break
things off with him!

That said; let’s get to your
question.

First, I don’t know what he’s thinking – I
don’t read minds. However, it is very possible that his work may be
taking his entire focus right now. Perhaps he’s having difficulty
putting these complicated emotions into words, or that he doesn’t
want to look like a failure in your eyes.

Men are not
very good at expressing all these complicated feelings. In fact, it
takes huge amounts of effort. It’s very possible that your boyfriend
is trying to save his energy to worry about his job and may find
taking time away from that is difficult.

This is all
rather selfish on your part. If you’re hoping for a long-term
relationship with him – even marriage – how do you think this comes
off to him? He’ll be thinking that if he ever gets in a funk again,
you won’t be there to understand and accept his mood, and that
you’ll be ready to jump ship. Is that the kind of supportive, caring
relationship you want? Food for thought.

Why not give
him some room and take the focus off of the relationship for a few
days? Just tell him that you understand he’s under some pressure
right now and don’t want to make things more difficult. Just tell
him that you care and that you’ll be there when he’s ready to talk.
That might be the best thing you can do right now. Of course, don’t
put things off forever. Give him a week or two and see where things
are.