How Can I Get Him Off the Fence ?
Question and Answer with relationship expert Dr Dennis
Hi,
I have met what I believe to be the perfect guy for me. I met this guy that is everything I want in a man. The trouble is, he does not want a girlfriend or a relationship at this time.
He’s been out of his long-term relationship for 2 years now and says he has put this wall around him that does not allow women in. We go places together, have a great time, and have sex together, (which he calls “Great Sex”), but he’s not interested in having a girlfriend. He says he’s been down that road.
I don’t really want to hear that I need to look elsewhere because I have and there just isn’t anyone remotely interesting to me like this guy is. We clicked right away. He says I’m very independent, he says I’ll probably go back to one of my ex’s (they do call and I tell him that) but I don’t want to go back to any of them – I want him.
He says if what I want is a relationship instead of a friendship, I’ll be waiting for quite a long time. He makes comments like “I need to find me a woman with money” (which I have…I make more than he does), and, “Sex is just sex it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, there’s more to a relationship than sex.” He said that after I made the comment that I don’t sleep with my ‘friends’. He even said we don’t have to have sex anymore if it bothered me not being his ‘girlfriend’ and we actually did slept together without sex.
My question is: What strategy do I need to get this guy out from behind these walls he’s put around
himself ?
He is pretty much a loner and is very happy that way. Although he says it gets pretty lonely. He says he wants to be married again someday, but it’s like he doesn’t trust the fact that I wouldn’t leave him. He always says I could have anybody I wanted because of my looks and my body. What do I need to do to get him to come around and trust that we would be great together?
Please give me some solid advice on how to handle this situation so he and I can end up together and happy for once in our lives. Please don’t tell me to move on and find someone else, there’s no one out there and I really think this is the guy for me, he just is blind and afraid to trust that I’m the one for him.
Thanks for any help and advice you can offer me.
Hello!
I have a question for you: if you’re really interested in this guy, why would you tell him that your ex’s keep calling and you continue to carry on with them? What the hell are you thinking? If you’re trying to make him jealous, your plan is going to backfire. Personally, I’d NEVER agree to start seeing someone exclusively if they were still involved with their ex’s. Why would I, (or he) want that hassle?
Next, you’ve convinced yourself that there is no other guy out there for you. Frankly, that’s just ridiculous. There are thousands, maybe even hundreds of thousands of soul mates out there just for you. What you’re really saying is that you’ve given up looking for them to focus on this one guy. That’s fine if that’s what you want, but remember – it’s a CHOICE, not a FACT. You have choices here.
It doesn’t sound like he’s decided that he doesn’t want a relationship, it sounds like he doesn’t want a relationship with you. He apparently likes your company and enjoys having sex with you, but it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to commit.
You have three options:
- Accept things as they are without expectation of something more
- Give up and move on, or
- Start moving on with the hope that your actions may spur him into some movement.
The first two are pretty self-explanatory, so I’ll concentrate on the third option.
If you started dating other guys and became less available to him, you might get him off the fence. However, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that this move is risky. You risk losing both his love and his friendship. On the other hand, you’ll have started getting on with your life and things won’t seem as bleak. Of course, if you choose to do this, don’t throw it in his face, (as with your ex’s), instead, simply become “unexplainably unavailable”. Try to cut your time with him down to once a week or even once every other week including phone calls. Be sure to mix it up however, as the point of this is to let him see that he misses you.
Julie, I have at least a little trouble with your foundations of assuming that he is the only guy for you, and that you’ve looked, etc. Finding quality people isn’t easy for anyone, but to give up and try to invest everything in only one guy isn’t a good idea.
The bottom line is this: if he doesn’t want what you want, he isn’t the right guy for you.
Good luck, much love…
