Raising Boys Into Men

Dr. Neder;

I have a 13-year-old son that is starting into this long ordeal of learning about women. I’m not saying that there is a problem, but he needs direction. I think it would be a good idea is if there is some kind of literature that could help explain some of the concepts. I do not think he is at all equipped for any adult rationalization of the subject like that found on your website.

What kind of helpful advice can you give to boys on this subject when they are just starting into this stage with dating, pimples, and hormones?

Hello!

I was actually asked to write a book on this very subject directed toward single mothers: “How to Raise Sons That Become Men”. Unfortunately, I’ve been so busy with the first and second books, that I haven’t been able to give this most-important topic the attention it is due.

All that said, you certainly have the right idea. Now is the time to begin crafting your son’s ideas about women. Too many men get this information from their mothers – not their fathers! What we get as a result are a bunch of “men” that sit down to pee!

These are the basic things that boys need to understand:

1. It’s not a man’s world like everyone thinks it is. Women control the world today – not men. This is important because women ALSO control relationships. Further, men are often blamed for many problems that we all face, and are made the scapegoats for all of the world’s ills. Obviously, this just isn’t the case. Your son doesn’t need to feel like he has to be handicapped in order to be part of this world, despite what his peers may think.
2. Women speak differently than men. Men use a very direct language form: “I’m hungry”, “I’m tired”, “I’m horney”, etc. Women use an INFERRED language form. Thus, “I’m tired” could mean anything from the fact that she’s ready for bed, to the fact that the relationship is over! Young men should to learn how to understand women’s language, and how to ask for clarity when they need it. A great lesson is to never assume they understand what a woman is saying until the prove it!
3. Women’s motivations in relationships are often quite different from men’s. For example, young women spend much of their time thinking about, dreaming about, and even planning their weddings! Much emphasis is placed on this event and almost none on who she’s going to marry! This begets the “guy that walked in front of the target” syndrome, where just about any guy will do, as long as he’s “marriage material”. In fact, the pressure on young women to be married is so great, they will sometimes trick men into it! Consider false pregnancies, or the missed birth control pill as examples. Your son should always consider birth/disease prevention his own responsibility.
4. Women often define themselves by their relationships! All women want an “Alpha Male”, and when they don’t get him, (there aren’t that many Alphas around!), they will try to “build him” using the tools their relationship training gives them including nagging, cajoling, crying, etc., etc. These same women may appear to have great relationships outside of the home, but in fact, have terrible ones – and self-esteems to match! The guys that are involved with these women are equally unhappy, and let’s face it – life is just too damn short!
5. Sex is a great motivator for men, but there is a cost involved. Your son should understand the responsibilities involved in having sex. His choice to engage in sex with any particular partner should always be based on one simple question: “Am I willing to pay the price (often unknown) for sex with this person?”
6. If possible, help him to sit down and write out the goals for his life. I’ll bet this will be difficult if he is like most 13 year olds! However, if he even just begins them, he’s going to be way ahead of his classmates. The areas for one’s goals should include: business, (school, career, etc.), family & friends, physical, (health), spiritual, and relationship. By the way, being married with a family is only one form of relationship goal! There are hundreds of others!

I’m sure that if your son is like most 13 year olds, he’s not going to be very open to your directly trying to teach him these lessons. Why not enlist the help of a trusted friend or family member that he respects? If this person also has sons of about the same age, you can provide them some guidance in return.

My brother, I hope this gives you a platform to being your son’s education. I’m very proud of you to take on this challenge, and let’s face it: if you succeed – even a little – he’s going to become every bit of the man you hope he can be.