Dating / Relationship Question and Answer
31 May 2001
Just Can’t Forget The Abusive Ex
Hi!
I’m a 19 year old girl that’s having one hell
of a time with guys. I was with my ex for three years. He was
controlling and possesive. Everyone else saw it, but I was a
moron and stuck with him. Then after we went on vacation
he got weird and said he needed space. He wouldn’t return my
calls or anything. Then one night a few friends came over, one was
this guy that I used to be interested in before my ex. I felt
that both of us wanted something to happen that night. So after
a few drinks I wasnt my usual shy self (I’m shy due to my ex
constant undermining of my self-comfidence) and started cuddling
with him. We started to kiss and make-out on the couch. During
the past month, I have gone and visited him at school and he has
came and stayed at my house. And about a week ago we started dating.
My problem is, everytime I’m with this new guy I feel I have to lie to my ex about where I’m going. I dont want to tell my ex I’ve been seeing someone else. I really like the new guy and I’m interested in seeing where it will go. But then I think to myself why am I not telling my ex these things. I do know that if my ex ever found out he would go after my new boyfriend.
Any suggestions ?
It sounds like your ex may have “issues” that need to be addressed by someone in a professional vein – specifically in anger
management and with insecurity issues. Let me say that, if this is the case, you don’t have the skills necessary to help
him and shouldn’t try.
Since we’re on the subject, let’s talk about
mental health. First, everyone is at least a little crazy
sometimes. Some people are down-right lunatics! However, when
these bouts of the “crazies” start affecting a person’s (or
someone else’s) life, it’s time to get “a check-up from the
neck-up”! Problems like these are probably beyond your
expertise, and I strongly recommend that you help your
ex seek some counceling.
How about your mental health? You’ve been
through some challenges with him, but remember – once you turn
18, you can no longer blame anyone else for your mental health
issues. You have the ultimate responsibility for your own health.
It seems that deep-down; you’re trying to
re-establish a relationship with your ex – perhaps you feel that
you have unfinished business, or are still in love with him.
Either way, you have no need to protect him, unless you wanted
to try to get back together with him. Now, I have to ask, is
this really healthy? As you’ve mentioned, you feel your shyness
is a direct result of his abuse. If you’re going to take
responsibility for your own mental health, you don’t want to put
yourself back in an abusive situation.
In fact, it seems to me that the best thing
you can do is to drop your association with this guy entirely.
Just like cutting off a dog’s tail you don’t do it piece by
piece – you do it all at once. Further, if I were your new
boyfriend, I’d put my foot down and demand that you stop
associating with him. Why should he (a presumably nice guy) have
to deal with this competition? Answer: he shouldn’t!
I hope all this helps. Just remember – you
are not responsible for anyone’s behavior (or misbehavior), but
your own. You have a new, growing relationship that deserves
your attention, and your abusive ex has set you free to explore it. Why not take advantage of this
last gift of his?
