Dating / Relationship Question and Answer
24 Oct 2001
Why Do Men Fear Commitment
Dr. Neder,
Why does a guy bolt for the door, when he has everything he
wants? I seem to be getting a lot of “I’m afraid of commitment”, “We
are too close”, and “You’re great but I’m not ready”
I never even used the word “commitment”! It seems that just
because a woman wants to spend time with her guy he thinks he going
to lose his freedom. How do you get them back after they bolt??
Thanks,
“Spotless”
Hello “Spotless”!
Men are very, very sensitive about anything that even smacks of
“commitment” (like I have to tell YOU!) In fact, I actually get this
question quite often!
The concept of commitment means something very different to men
and women. Women interpret commitment as security, future, and
possibly marriage and children. From the time women are little girls
they are constantly given the image of the white wedding, the house
with the picket fence and kids. In fact, if you really think about
it things like weddings, Valentine’s Day, children – all are really
for the benefit of women! Women (especially today) really have all
the options. You can move between careers, go back to school, stay
at home, leave a career to have kids, return to the career,
etc., etc., all without the absolute responsibility of supporting
the family.
Men on the other hand see commitment as something quite
different. To men, commitment (or even the hint of it) means a lack
of freedom! Why is this so? Consider what happens to men socially.
Men pay 92% or more of all dating costs. They pay 74% of all family
costs. A man has only one choice when he leaves school – go to work
and become successful. The more he earns, the better women he can
attract! Commitment means that he has fewer choices – in work, in
women, in play, in time, and in life. He can’t just “up and
leave” a job when he is married. He has to think about his family.
Thus, when a man looks at commitment, he sees a lifetime of
struggle. On his own, he only has the pressures he places on
himself.
Once a guy “bolts”, you’ve got some work to do to get him back.
Remember how he sees commitment. Women intuitively understand that
their goal is to get a man to see the exchange of freedom for sex.
This really is your key. There has to be something in your
relationship that he wanted in the first place, and you’ll have to
make sure he gets it!
As well, there is another important thing you can do: realize
that men are NOT monogamous. Yes, I know that isn’t what you want to
hear. But consider this, if you realize this up front, you’re
already way ahead of the game! Thus, your goal shouldn’t be to get
your guy to commit and be monogamous to you – it should be to become
the women for whom he WANTS to be monogamous! Do you get the
difference here?
One last point that is important: look at your goals. Is your
goal to be married? I tell women this all the time – if all you want
is to be married, I’m sure you can find someone this weekend that
will marry you. So that shouldn’t be a problem. On the other hand,
if you want someone of quality that you love and that loves you back
– focus on THAT goal instead! Don’t worry about the “format” of the
relationship – focus on the quality.
If you’re really interested in how men think, I suggest you pick
up a copy of my book, “Being a Man in a Woman’s’ World”. It was
written for men – just the way men talk to each other (when you
girls aren’t around!) It should really give you some insight into
what goes on in men’s minds.
Good luck, much love…
