Hey guys,
I am 34 years old and I messed things up with a girl I like.
I know your advice is probably to move on and meet new people, but I live in a small town, and there aren’t many high-class women available.
I’ve met many girls since then, but none that I really liked, so I haven’t gotten serious with any of them.
Then I met this girl. 20 years old, from the next city. About a one-hour drive away from me. We hit it off quite well from the start, and on the first night we met we were already kissing, and she spent the night.
She then told me she thought I was a bit old, and things cooled down. But still, we exchanged phone numbers and emails, so we kept in touch, also through Yahoo Messenger. We spent hours and hours chatting, and then she invited me there for the weekend.
So, I went there, and we had a great time, but nothing more happened. I NOW know what I did wrong. I was being too friendly, and not like I would have done things now. But still, this increased our contact, and we decided to take a trip together with a couple who are mutual friends of ours.
In the time between this decision and the trip (a couple of months) we met once a week, and tension was increasing. Physical contact increased, but no sex. But I was being patient, and the weekend of the trip, patience paid off.
Finally. So I must have done something right! And also after we came back. Until a couple of weeks ago….
I felt things were going great, so I told her that I thought we should take things to the next level and make commitments to each other. And that’s when it went all wrong. She was unsure, and instead of cooling down, I pushed on. Trying to logically convince her that this was meant to be, and so on. The classic mistakes. And when she wouldn’t agree, I reacted with frustration, and pulled out.
After a couple of weeks of silence, I made contact with her, and asked what would happen now. She is unsure whether she wants to walk down this path again. But the problem (for me) is that I have never met a girl things were going so naturally with, and I don’t want to lose contact with her. I know making up for this will not be an easy task,
but I am prepared to give it another shot.
I am still convinced I will be able to renew contact with her, and when I do, I will use everything I have learnt from your classes, and not fall back to the wuss and needy idiot I have been.
But I still need some advice. Is there anything I must avoid (apart from what I have said I know I have to avoid), and are there any great tips or hints you can give me? I am prepared to give her my best side all the time, being positive and confident, and giving her the same positive experiences I gave her in the beginning.
I don’t want this to end. But on the other hand, I can’t force her, because then the game starts all over again. I’m NOT giving this up.
Like I said, I live in a small town, and I just can’t pick girls like I want. Cards have to be played differently here.
I really hope you have some wise words for me.
Mr Frustrated
Dean Cortez from Mack Tactic says:
First off, I want to commend your sincerity and honesty. I feel it in your email. Now I’m going to bring some nuclear-powered knowledge to help you get this situation on track…and get this girl back to you, where she belongs.
Before I get into that…no offense bro, but I’m going to need to smack you around a little bit. As I read your email, I spotted several “red flags”-tactical mistakes you made that you must not repeat with this girl again, or make with any girl in the future.
I know you’re aware of some of the mistakes you made, but I know a LOT of guys will benefit from this analysis.
Among the guys that I’ve coached, this is a situation I see all the time. They learn the correct strategies and adopt the right mental attitude…but only temporarily. As soon as they meet that “perfect girl” and sleep with her, they return to their old ways because they don’t want to LOSE her.
The irony is, by being “super nice,” always being available to talk to her, and making it clear that you want her to be your girlfriend, you are letting her slip away-because her attraction you is decreasing.
Let me run down the red flags in your letter:
#1. After she spent the night with you for the first time, she mentioned to you that you might be “too old” for her. (You are 34, and she is 20.) Incidentally, I’m 34 years old, and I tend to date women that are 10 years younger than me (or more), so I’ve learned how to handle this exact situation.
I even have a book coming out soon called “Dating Younger Women” that is ALL about this topic…
I’m guessing that the age difference was something you were concerned about from the very beginning. You were psyched to meet a cute 20-year-old, but you were probably worried that she would “realize” that you were too old for her.
This is easily avoided. Here are two points to remember when you meet a younger woman:
#1. Never try to conceal your age, and never express any concerns about you being older. Bring it out into the open right away, and USE your age as a way to make her want to prove herself to you. She should be the one who is worried she is not on your intellectual level.
Once she tells you her age, you say, “Wow, I’m 34 years old and you’re only 20? I’ve usually dated women that are closer to my own age. I like women that are sophisticated and have some life experience.”
Wow. That’s an extremely confident, direct thing to say to a young woman. It’s not arrogant or offensive. It shows you have HIGH STANDARDS with the women you date.
Can she measure up to your standards? Well, now is her chance to show you.
You didn’t say, “I can’t date you, you’re too young and inexperienced.”
You said, “I date women who are sophisticated and experienced.”
So, if she wants to hang out with you, she’s going to need to demonstrate that she has these qualities.
You’ve put a CHALLENGE out there, and women get turned on by a man who challenges them to step up!
Now, throw her a question and make her PROVE that she can hang with a sophisticated guy like you: “But I have to admit, you do seem kind of mature for your age. So tell me some of the things you’re into.”
This is so powerful on a psychological level. Right from the beginning, you’re establishing that you have no insecurity at all about your age; you love being your age, because it means you’re at a secure, confident, experienced stage in your life.
You know about all kinds of cool and interesting things. The only question is, is SHE worthy of hanging out with a guy like you?
#2. Turn your age into a REASON for her to want to date you. As an older guy, you’re more worldly and experienced. You can teach her things. You can show her cool places, turn her on to great music, movies, art…whatever your interests are.
I’ll say things to her like, “Last night one of my favorite movies was on television. Raging Bull by Martin Scorsese. It’s a classic. You’ve seen it, right?” (This can be any movie released prior to 1985 that you love.)
If she tells you that she has seen the movie, you say: “Cool. I’m impressed. I figured at your age, you don’t know about any movie prior to Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt.”
If she tells you she hasn’t seen it (and she probably hasn’t), bust on her a little. Say playfully, “I can’t believe you haven’t seen Raging Bull! Wow, there are a lot of things I’m going to need to teach you about…this could take awhile.”
Either way, you’re framing yourself as the older, more experienced MAN who can bring value to her life. Very powerful! (Do you think the typical guy her own age has anything of value to say, or teach her?)
The next “red flag” I spotted in your letter is that you said you spent hours chatting with her.
This is another very common mistake, but I realize it’s very easy to make.
It would SEEM that talking to her for hours, on the phone or the Internet, would build the connection between you and her. But it doesn’t.
It makes her feel AFFECTION towards her, because you’re being funny, and understanding, and you’re a good listener….but it does not build ATTRACTION.
One of the keys to making a woman feel attraction is limiting your availability.
Yes, this is easier said than done. I realize that. Before I mastered the dating game, I made this mistake all the time.
Because of my work schedule, I didn’t go out during the week. I was usually home at night, messing around on my computer. And if a cute girl wanted to chat online, I would be happy to spend HOURS chatting with her…THINKING that we were creating this wonderful “bond” that would lead to sex and a relationship.
Well, it just doesn’t work this way. As a mature, successful 34-year-old man, you want her to know that you’re busy. You’ve got other shit to do!
And when you don’t tell her exactly WHAT is keeping you so busy, her female instincts are going to think you might have other women in your life. (Women are hardwired to be jealous and competitive. Use this to your advantage!)
Here’s another assumption I want to smash. You would THINK that letting her know you’re completely single and available to her, whenever she wants to talk…that you have NO other romantic options right now…would increase her interest in you.
It doesn’t.
You’ve got to frame yourself as the PRIZE. She has to WIN you.
She has to STEP UP because you are a mature, sophisticated guy who doesn’t have time for silly small talk and games.
Are you seeing other women? If she asks you this question, say “I’ve been dating a few people on a casual basis. Nothing serious.”
This will only stimulate her curiosity and her attraction!
Women are competitive, and when they want to possess something…but it’s out of their reach…they want it MORE.
What’s more desirable to a woman: the pair of shoes that costs $700, or the pair in the bargain bin that costs $10?
The shoes might look the same. But she desperately WANTS that $700 pair because it’s not within her reach. In her mind, it’s of huge value.
So when she calls you, or sends you an instant message when you’re online, you talk to her for a few minutes…ask her how she’s doing…get caught up on things with her…and then you politely excuse yourself and make a PLAN to see her again (in real life, not chatting online or talking on the phone).
“I’m glad to hear from you, and to know you’re doing ok…I need to go handle some things right now, so have a great night…”
Then you mention something that YOU are planning to do, and you invite her to join you:
“By the way, I’m going to check out this new bar on Friday night, my friend Jennifer told me they’ve got great music and drinks. Come with me, I think you’ll love this place.”
(Instead of a bar, this could be a café, a restaurant, an art gallery, a party…any cool place you want to take her to.)
Also note the fact that “your friend Jennifer” recommended it as a good place. In a subtle way, you’re letting her know that you’ve got other females in your life. Again, very powerful on a subconscious level!
If you live an hour away from her, and aren’t able to see her every weekend, then set up a plan to have her visit, or for you to visit her. The point is, MAKE A PLAN.
After five minutes of chatting, any more time you spend talking to her is making you look available and lonely.
Any interesting or meaningful topics of conversation should be addressed when you see her. Plus, this gives you more things to talk about when you spend time together.
The next “red flag” is that you pushed her to make a commitment. In retrospect, you realized that this was a mistake…and it was.
Trust me, if a woman is powerfully attracted to you, SHE is the one who will want to have the “commitment” discussion with you at some point. Especially if she senses that you are a busy, fun, exciting guy with lots of different options.
If YOU push her to make a commitment, there’s a good chance that her attraction to you will cool off.
Why are you asking her this? Why are you eager to be in a relationship? Are you desperate? Do you have some flaw that other women have realized?
Never have the “commitment” discussion with a woman. As long as you’ve framed yourself to her the right way, it’s completely unnecessary. When you’re not with her, she’ll be thinking about you, and other men she meets won’t seem like an option.
Make her wonder what SHE can do better, in order to have a committed relationship with YOU.
Now, as far as getting her back in your life, you’re going to have to behave like an Alpha Male and let the chips fall where they may.
I don’t mean you need to be aggressive, or cocky. You’ve got to be decisive. You’ve got to demonstrate that you’re a leader, and lay out a path for her to follow.
Get her on the phone. Internet chatting isn’t going to help in this situation; it’s too impersonal. She’s got to hear the confident tone of your voice.
Tell her there is a reason why you’ve got to come to the area where she lives, or close to it. It could be for business. It could be to see a friend who is having a birthday party. It could be to get to get a new stereo put in your car. Whatever. Come up with something that sounds legitimate.
Now tell her, in a confident and direct manner, “Since I’ll be pretty close to where you live, I’d like to take you to lunch-so what’s better for you, Saturday or Sunday? I want to catch up with you, and tell you about some pretty cool things that have been happening in my life lately.”
Don’t chit-chat for 20 minutes. Don’t mention ANYTHING about “messing things up with her,” or “wanting another chance.”
Just tell her you’re going to be in her area to handle something, and you want to take her to lunch and tell her about some cool things that have been happening in YOUR life.
This will make her curious, and if you keep this conversation short and direct, she’s going to love your confidence. You’re also being a leader and laying out a GAME PLAN that is easy for her to agree to.
You’re not saying, “Can I see you again? I really miss you.”
You’re saying, “I’ve got some things to handle, I’ll be in your area, let’s do lunch on Saturday or Sunday-let me know which day works better for you-because I’ve got some cool things I want to tell you about.”
Okay, so what are the “cool things” that have been happening in your life that you’ll want to tell her about? That’s irrelevant.
Come up with something to tell her about when you see her. Maybe you’ve got an idea for a new business. Maybe you’re thinking about taking martial arts classes. Maybe there is some new project you’re working on. Maybe your best friend finally found a serious girlfriend. Whatever!
That isn’t the point. You mention the “cool thing” when you see her, and then you switch gears and move the conversation onto other topics, and you control the situation.
The point is, you’re going to see her again, and this will be your opportunity to CHANGE her opinion of you and be the confident, smooth, charming MAN you should have been all along.
So when you wind up seeing her again, how should you handle the conversation and make her feel HUGE attraction towards you? There simply is not enough room on this web page to lay out the rest of the tactics.
Visit my site, Mack Tactics, and grab your copy of the “Ultimate Edition” book. It has been the bible for thousands of guys around the world who have taken their success with women to incredible levels.
Make it happen, my man…and Go Tactical!
Dean Cortez
Mack Tactics
