Have you ever had a woman you were interested in say “Oh, I’m not dating right now”? You’ve probably been blown off with that very statement, and felt small and powerless. How could she be so powerful as to choose to not date ? Would you ever choose not to date? The answer is probably “no.”
We want to suggest to you that if you aren’t doing anything to seek out women and doing what it takes to succeed with them, then YOU are choosing to not date right now.
We’ll say it again: If you are not doing the things a man would do if he wanted women in his life, then you are choosing to not date.
Here’s how you know if you are choosing to not date :
- You don’t go to “niche” places where you could meet women. You don’t join clubs, take classes, go to lectures, churches, volunteer, or do any of the things that would put women in front of you
- You don’t say “hi” to women, or start conversations with them, as you go about your daily life.
- You don’t do anything that exposes you to random social interactions where unexpected connections could be made.
- You only see the people you work with, your friends, and no one new.
- You say “no” to social opportunities, or choosing the “same old” people rather than taking opportunities to meet new people.
Accepting that you are choosing to not date is an empowering step. You aren’t a victim who never meets women. You are choosing to not do what it takes to meet them. Accepting that not dating is a choice gives you the ability to take the next step.
If you are lonely, yet still choosing to not date, there is probably a GOOD reason for it. Most of the time, though, you will default to BAD explanations of why you are not dating. Fundamentally, you will tell yourself some variation of “I suck.”
Do any of these explanations sound familiar?
- “I’m not dating because I’m lazy.”
- “I’m not dating because I need my ass kicked to get in gear.”
- “I’m not dating because I’m too fat.”
- “I’m not dating because I’m ugly.”
- “I’m not dating because I’m too busy.”
I’m not dating because no woman would want me anyway.”
.. These are the kind of things you are probably saying to yourself. And they are all wrong.
The truth is this; If you are not dating, it is for one reason, and one reason only: You are not dating because it feels too emotionally risky.
There are two main reasons you aren’t willing to risk dating right now.
Sometimes dating seems too risky because you are too emotionally tender to take any risk at all. You might have just had a difficult break-up, for instance. After that, ANY risk will seem like “too much” risk, and you just have to take time off and heal.
More often, though, a recent break-up is NOT the reason dating seems too risky, and you stay alone.
You probably decided how risky dating is, and what is “too risky” in dating, a long time ago. A lot of your ideas about how dangerous it is to talk to women and pursue women are probably years, or even decades, out of date.
Most shy men have at least one story of a time that he showed romantic interest to a girl, as a teenager, and of the abuse and humiliation heaped upon him when she said no. They have stories of other kids surrounding them and taunting them about it. They talk about the endless jokes and years of derogatory nicknames and insults they endured because of it. They talk about how they decided to never have to risk that again, no matter what the cost. And, not surprisingly, they grow up to be shy men who didn’t pursue women.
But check this out :
While it may have been true, when you were 13 years old, that if you asked out a girl you liked and she said no, you’d be taunted by everyone about it for years. BUT THAT IS NO LONGER TRUE. And on an emotional level, you probably don’t know that.
As an adult, things are different. No one cares whether or not you ask a woman out. A woman’s not going to go crying to her friends if you flirt with her. Her day will not be ruined if you say “hi.” Everyone won’t “know” if you want to take some risks in dating. People won’t stand around talking about how you are trying to be a “player,” or make fun of you for wanting sexual and romantic life. These things do not happen to adults.
But it’s likely that you are still worrying that they will.
What we want you to do, right now, is notice how old your decisions about how risky showing romantic interest with women is. Did you made your dating risk-tolerance decisions when you were young, and when circumstances were very different than they are now? If so, noticing that is the next step to being able to approach women, and do the things you need to do in dating, without inappropriate fear.
Dating is emotionally risky. Anyone who tells you that it’s not, or who tells you that they can remove all risk and give total control over women is lying to you, and probably saying whatever they can to get your money. You can limit risk, and take risks intelligently, but risk and excitement exists together–if you want to have excitement, and chemistry with women, you must be willing to take intelligent risks.
Part of our mission is to help shy men overcome their overwhelming fear of risk with women, and we have a number ways we do that.
If you need help with extreme shyness, and want to really get at the roots of why you are shy and what you can do about it, check out “Overcoming the Nice Guy Syndrome”
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Ron Louis and David Copeland are dating coaches and authors of the best selling “How to Succeed with Women” and the creators of Seduction Techniques |
